It's been awhile..........

Well, no coincidence, the last time I wrote a blog entry was right before I started my new job. We have all been crazy busy since. I love my job! Right now I am working for someone on maternity leave so I am working 5 days a week. It is pretty darn rough! I am ready to go back to 3 or 4 days a week.

Ducky (Faith) is growing like a weed. Can you believe she is 10 and a half months? Oh my word, when did that happen! Let's see.........since I last wrote this blog, she has become a master crawler, has 5 teeth, and is now semi-walking. I guess I always thought when she walked, it would be like, "oh yeah, Ducky is walking now" but she will take like 3 or 4 steps, try to run, and then fall. So she is still learning the whole walking process.

Ducky is absolutely thriving in daycare. She loves her little friends and the staff says that she never ever fusses-well except when they bring lunch in for the kids. Ducky loves to eat. She is mainly eating table food now. I only have them feed her jar food at daycare if what they are serving at the daycare is nutritionally appalling (oh about 3 times a week). I mean, seriously, beanie weenies and corn?

We are getting very very attached to Faith. I think the first even 6 months were more about survival for everyone. Now I cannot imagine my life without that sweet little girl. It has been a learning experience for us all, that is for sure!

Ducky had her first airplane ride a couple of months ago. We went to see my grandmother because she has never met Faith. Sadly, my grandmother has cancer and hospice has come in. I am so glad she got to meet Faith. It was also great seeing my aunt.

As for Jay and I, well, we are just plain tired. As Ducky gets more active, we get a little more tired. Glad we had her when we were still young, lol. My mom has been going to El Paso a lot lately to take care of my grandmother, but when she is in town she always offers to watch Faith for a weekend night so Jay and I can have some alone time together. One thing having a child has made me be grateful for is people's help. Everything from watching Faith so Jay and I can go out to just simply offering to watch Faith while we eat so we don't have to gobble down our food. Things I may have not thought about to offer to people with a child I will now do since I know how much it means.

Well, I guess that is about it for now. Hopefully I won't be so delinquent about posting blog entries.

Blessings!
The Porters

Ducky Started Daycare Today!

I didn't even realize how long it had been since my last post. Things have gotten super busy around here. Just in the last couple of weeks, I have found a job and have been searching for a daycare to take care of Ducky (Faith's nickname that has seemed to really stick). Most of you know I have really been miserable at home full time. Not because I don't love Ducky or hate spending time with her, but I love to work and I need adult interaction. I got what I consider to be an ideal job working at Centennial as a dietitian in diabetes, an area I have become pretty comfortable with. I love the people there because I got to know them during a practicum in college. The schedule is ideal and I can pretty much work as much as I want. In addition, my new boss is going to help me get more hours in diabetes so I can become a CDE (Certified Diabetes Educator).

I was worried about finding a good daycare for Ducky on short notice. Luckily, at the recommendation of my dental hygienist, I found a great private Christian daycare. Two of the ladies that work in the nursery have worked there for almost 30 years so I feel pretty good about it. (Especially after visiting another daycare that I would have felt scared leaving Faith at).

So I was supposed to start work today, but due to some delayed paperwork issues, I cannot start until Wednesday. I was super upset about it last week, but it ended up working out. Today I have Faith in the daycare about half a day to get her used to it. I feel better knowing I am just down the road so I can be there in an instant today if I need to. Jay and I both dropped Ducky off this morning so Jay could see the daycare and meet the ladies. Faith immediately started playing in the exersaucer and all the other kids surrounded her. I am excited she is going to be getting more interaction with other babies. I have talked to some wonderful moms that have really made me feel much better about daycare because their children have developed so well due to the interaction.

Yes, after being a stay at home mom for 6 months, it is hard to think about not being with Faith all the time. At the same time, happy mommy does equal happy baby. And, the interaction for Faith will be good for her. Although financially I do not need to work, we have been on an extremely tight budget with little breathing room, not to mention not much going into savings right now. With me going back to work, we will have some extra money to put in a college fund for Faith. Jay and I both don't want Faith to have to stress about paying for college.

Just like anything else, we will have to get into our routine again. But once we do I think this is going to be great for our family. I want to thank everyone that gave us encouraging words and that have helped me to not feel so guilty about going back to work.

I hope to post more than I have lately, but things will be super busy, but we will try to keep you updated =).

Not again.......

(Photo taken by Terena Boone, my talented MIL)

Ugh, well I think the stupid post partum depression is starting to rear its ugly head again. Lately I have been getting really lonely and sad at home. I have decided to take action to make sure it doesn't get back to where it was-I refuse to go back down that road again; it is way too rough. The good news is I have already bonded with Faith so I don't feel like it is affecting my relationship with her. But I have decided what is best for both Faith and myself is to go back to work. Most of you knew I was thinking of becoming a teacher. I even applied for a program that would get me teaching in 6 weeks (Nashville Teaching Fellows). But I have been thinking about it and decided, 1) Now is not the best time to try to juggle a full time teaching job along with a master's program (which you have to complete as part of the teaching fellows program) and 2) I am not ready to leave dietetics. I still feel a calling there, I just need to find my place again. So after making that decision and not spending the day alone, I am feeling better already. So now it is operation find a job that would start sometime after May (because I don't want to give up my vacation this year that we are taking to the Outer Banks, I am looking soooooo forward to it).

On the Faith front, Faith has got a cold, so it has been little sleep in the Porter house these days. In fact, I managed to fall asleep on the floor of Faith's nursery, which let me tell you, is not that comfy. It has been hard to see her sick-she has not been her usual spunky self, but today she seems to be recovering so maybe by the end of the week....It stinks because we had finally, thank you dear Lord!, gotten her to sleep for 11 straight hours at night, and then the next day she is sick. Sigh. Oh well. Other than that, she is doing great. Smiling, playing, eating really well, still loves the jumparoo. So hard to believe that at the beginning of April she will be 6 months old!

I think I say this every post, but I am so grateful for my husband. He is my rock, and if it weren't for him, I would have gotten no sleep these past few days. I also appreciate him sticking by me during my time(s) of indecisivness (or were they times of indesiciveness....) lol, just kidding. Also, I am glad for my mom who has kept me company today and who, despite everything else going on in her life, is able to pick me back up when I start to fall back in that hole. Needless to say, you are never too old to need your mommy!

Side note: This week I am excited/grateful for: the opportunity to work and the chance that a certain one of my besties might be moving back to Nashville after too long away from me....Now if I could just convince the other one to move back.....

Learning to be a Mommy

Faith has taught me more in her 5 months of life than I have learned in over 25 years of life. She has taught me the fine art of patience and has helped me to become less selfish. She is an amazing baby and I thank God for her everyday! She is learning to sit up on her own. She can stay for about 15 seconds, sometimes a little longer, before she topples over (always with a boppy pillow close by as you see in the picture above). (Side Note: Look at those baby blues! I hope she keeps those-I think by about 6 months their eye color is developed so we are getting close.) Foodwise, Faith is doing great. She has not been picky at all. She loves peas, butternut squash, carrots, bananas, and applesauce. Green beans are next. Sleeping patterns vary. We had relapse there for a little bit but the past two nights she has slept all night (well, until 4 am, which is when she wants to get up and play, but Mommy and Daddy are not too keen on that). Faith is getting very picky about who she lets hold her. It is mostly me, Jay, or my mom. She has really warmed up to the ladies in the church nursery, luckily and seems to like them. She also let her Aunt Sarah hold her and Faith even talked to her for a little bit. Luckily the Y has a great staff and one particular lady in there has the whole system down for calming Faith down (swaddle, bouncy seat, pacifier), which is great because I can actually get a workout in!

One way that Faith has changed my life is I am more careful about the decisions I make and base them on how she will be effected. I have been doing some soul searching and praying and am thinking teaching is in my future. I based my decision to become a teacher not only on what I wanted to do, but also on Faith's future. If I become a teacher I will be able to have holidays and summers off with her and spend more time with her, which I really like =). I am still praying that this is OK with God and praying for a way to complete this task. I am so thankful for a supportive husband who helps me complete my dreams, even if they take me all sorts of different routes, lol.

Well, I think that is it. Thanks for reading, sorry it has been so long since the last post, things are busy around here =). God bless!

Mommy Grace

Well we are making a lot of progress here at the Porter household. For one, Faith is finally coming around to solid food. She loves applesauce and butternut squash mixed with rice cereal. We tried carrots yesterday. She was more interested in playing with them though than she was with actually eating them. I have recently added Faith onto our membership at the YMCA so a few times a week I work out at the Y and Faith will stay in the child care for a couple of hours. Yesterday when I went to pick her up, one of the daycare workers said, "She sure is a happy baby." I almost fell to my knees. I mean, I know she is getting a lot better and she sure does laugh and smile more than she cries (a welcome change from the first few months), but it still shocked me. If they had said that a couple of months ago, it would have been out of sarcasm. Thank you Y lady for making my day =).

On the mommy front, things are about the same. I am still lonely as heck at home, and definitely want to go back to work a few days a week. I am having to be patient though (I have been having to do a lot of that lately, God you trying to tell me something?) and wait for a job to come along. I just have to pray that the right one will come along. I am looking forward to next weekend because I am going on a silent retreat where I can think things through and also get to get a massage =). I just got a book from a book store called "Mommy Grace" that is basically about ways to forgive ourselves as moms and not feel guilty about it. I have not gotten to read any of it yet, but might take it along on the silent retreat.

Other than that, same old same old. Jay is still working hard at work.

Oh, and we have had over a week in a row of sleeping until at least 4:30 am. It is a miracle. The couple of nights of crying it out were hell but worth it. Faith is getting sleep as are we =)

I am no June Cleaver, and that is ok.....

So I am finally coming to the realization that I am no June Cleaver and that is ok, really. I am going to go back to work sometime in the near future. That does not make me a bad mother at all. There, I said it =).

I have had a lot of good conversations with good friends lately through e-mail, phone, and in person. Those wonderful people have helped me realize I am not a bad mother for my feelings, I am just normal. Thank you to those wonderful people for being my sanity.

I don't have a lot to say today, just wanted to get that off of my chest.

As for Faith, we have had 2 nights of sleeping through the night-cross your fingers this continues. It has not been an easy road, we had two horrible nights of "crying it out." But hey, those were the doctor's orders. Faith went to her 4 month appt. She is about 17 lbs and 25 inches (I think I reported wrong last time that she was 26 inches). So her growth is slowing down down since she grew so quickly, lol. She is a sweetie pie. I love that baby. She can be so frustrating sometimes but that smile melts me heart.

Oh yeah, and we are making progress on the solid food front. My mom is a genius when it comes to that kind of thing, I swear. She had me feed Faith her bottle and then she would feed Faith applesauce with rice cereal in between sips. She loved it =). Thanks mom!

Faith's First Taste of Solid Food and Confessions of a Mom

So today Faith got her first taste of oatmeal. As you can tell by the pictures, at first she was just unsure, and then she thought it was just plain nasty, lol. I have to admit, I was really disappointed in her reaction, I thought she would be in love and beg for more. But while I was having my sob fest on the couch (keep in mind, Faith woke up every 2 hours last night, stupid 4 month sleep regression so Jay and I got little sleep last night and it has been a difficult couple of weeks), my wonderful husband reminded me that is new for her and besides, oatmeal isn't all that good anyways, lol.

I love Jay. He has put up with a lot the past four months. Thank God for him. I think the one thing keeping us sane today is the fact that my mom is going to watch Faith tonight so we get to go to offer group and have our first good night of sleep in over two weeks. Thank God for my mom. She has been sick these past couple of weeks so she has not been able to help. We knew my mom helped a lot and we did not take her for granted or anything, but I think I would have fled the country by now if it weren't for her. Thanks to her we also get to go on our first real date since having Faith and we also get to go to a super bowl party on Sunday =).

So I know this post is supposed to be all about Faith, but I think I have turned into a place to vent, I hope that is ok =).

So here comes the confessions of a new mom:
I hate being a full time stay at home mom. I think it has been best for Faith these past few months but she is beginning to get better and I think she could handle daycare (lol, and they can handle her). I love her with all of my heart, but I think I cannot be the best mommy I can be unless I work. I have worked since I was 15, and I love to work. Then again, the thought of not seeing Faith all day makes me sad. So I think what is best is maybe 3 times a week I work. Then I have four full days with her and 3 days of people interaction and working.

This morning during my sobfest I told Jay I feel guilty for wanting to go back to work. The very wise Jay said "Ashley, I think you have unrealistic views of what a good mom is." And he is right, all along I have had an image of the perfect mom (the perfect mom breastfeeds for a year, she loves staying home full time, doesn't ever need any help from anyone or never needs a break from her kids). Wow, even as I type it, I realize how ridiculous that sounds. One, breastfeeding doesn't work for everyone. If you can do it, great. If not, your child is not going to die from it (I was a formula fed baby, and behold, I am not a mutant). Two, not everyone can be a full time stay at home mom. Sometimes because of financial reasons, sometimes for sanity. As my wise sister-in-law (jay's sister) put it "I am NOT a stay at home mom." How awesome to be able to admit that because there is nothing to be ashamed of. And 3, how ridiculous to think you would never need a break or help. My dear mother told me how the first time she left me to go on vacation, she cried for a while and then had the best stinking time of her life. Sometimes you just need a break.

Wow, what a long vent. So sorry. Hope you guys aren't bored with this. I promise on Friday I will have more news as Faith has a doctor's appointment so we will know things like her height, weight, etc.

Thanks for listening, er reading. Whew, I needed that.

Snow Weekend/Faith in her jumparoo

Here is a video of our snowed in weekend and Faith in her jumparoo-the best entertainment.

Light at the end of the tunnel

I am not going to lie, it has been a crazy almost 4 months. I am sure Jay would agree, these past few months have been a blur. With the post partum depression, the colic, and the acid reflux, I am quite surprised the only thing that hasn't made it out alive is a hydrangea plant (just never got around to planting it or watering it, as you can probably imagine why).

It has been a tough road, and just when I thought life would never get any better, Faith hit 3 months and went from a baby filled with rage to a smiling, cooing human being (ok sometimes she still gets a little mad, but I can handle little bouts as opposed to all the time). And at 3 months, my postpartum has seemed to be almost nonexistent. I am just glad to feel like a human being again. I can sleep like a normal person and find the joys in everyday life. And most importantly, I love my little girl like I always dreamed I would.

I definitely couldn't have made it through this tough time without all of my friends and family (especially my parents and my in-laws) offering all of their support and prayers. Our offer group showered us with everything from meals to advice to prayers. I thought I loved them before all of this, but I love them even more!

I am especially grateful to my friends because for a couple of months I didn't return phone calls or make an effort. I especially am grateful for my two besties, one very busy in vet school but always ready to say a kind word through facebook and my other bestie calling a leaving messages of encouragement and never getting mad at me not calling back.

I laugh a lot about Faith's name because she really has tested our Faith. God must have needed to teach us patience in a bad way, lol. But I could not ask for a sweeter baby, we all know Faith is the greatest!

Another blessing this month was getting to work a day. I am working prn (just whenever the dietitian needs off or they need an extra person). Working that 1 day helped me realize I still love being a dietitian and I must have talked off anyone's ear who would listen because it was so nice to have adult interaction.

The past couple of days have also been chaos. A monster stomach flu hit our house. First I got sick and then Jay got sick. To top it off, my mom and dad were sick with something else. My mom, a superhero minus the cape, is our saving grace lately when it comes to giving us much needed rest by watching Faith for us. Unfortunately, with her illness, she couldn't so we were on our own. Thank God for Jay! I never could have made it without him helping me and letting me take all those naps during our illness fiasco. AND as the GI doctor had warned, Faith's reflux is peaking at around 4 months so we are battling that once again. Every meal is a battle these days but at least we know it can get better.

Wow, that was super long....If you are still reading at this point, God bless you. I promise the next posts will be short and sweet. And it will be more Faith focused. Each post I plan to update you on Faith's new accomplishments, sweet moments, etc. And if there is anything interesting going on in mine and Jay's life I will update that too. And of course, more pictures will be added all the time.

Faith's new fascination: her feet

Sleeping patterns: (pattern? yea right!) It is always a surprise. Sometimes she will sleep through the night, other times she will wake up 5 times a night. (Side note: I never thought I would think 6:30 am is sleeping in, but it is now!)

My favorite activity with Faith: reading her books. I love to read her the Clifford books and replace Clifford's name with Bironas (our dog's name), she thinks it is hilarious!

Exciting things to come: We will be starting solids very soon. By the way she eyes our food longingly, I think she will be in love!

Faith's measurments (as of a few weeks ago at the GI doc's office) 16 lbs and 26 inches (Good Lord)

And as always, such a Daddy's girl!

More updates to come soon!