Mommy Grace

Well we are making a lot of progress here at the Porter household. For one, Faith is finally coming around to solid food. She loves applesauce and butternut squash mixed with rice cereal. We tried carrots yesterday. She was more interested in playing with them though than she was with actually eating them. I have recently added Faith onto our membership at the YMCA so a few times a week I work out at the Y and Faith will stay in the child care for a couple of hours. Yesterday when I went to pick her up, one of the daycare workers said, "She sure is a happy baby." I almost fell to my knees. I mean, I know she is getting a lot better and she sure does laugh and smile more than she cries (a welcome change from the first few months), but it still shocked me. If they had said that a couple of months ago, it would have been out of sarcasm. Thank you Y lady for making my day =).

On the mommy front, things are about the same. I am still lonely as heck at home, and definitely want to go back to work a few days a week. I am having to be patient though (I have been having to do a lot of that lately, God you trying to tell me something?) and wait for a job to come along. I just have to pray that the right one will come along. I am looking forward to next weekend because I am going on a silent retreat where I can think things through and also get to get a massage =). I just got a book from a book store called "Mommy Grace" that is basically about ways to forgive ourselves as moms and not feel guilty about it. I have not gotten to read any of it yet, but might take it along on the silent retreat.

Other than that, same old same old. Jay is still working hard at work.

Oh, and we have had over a week in a row of sleeping until at least 4:30 am. It is a miracle. The couple of nights of crying it out were hell but worth it. Faith is getting sleep as are we =)

I am no June Cleaver, and that is ok.....

So I am finally coming to the realization that I am no June Cleaver and that is ok, really. I am going to go back to work sometime in the near future. That does not make me a bad mother at all. There, I said it =).

I have had a lot of good conversations with good friends lately through e-mail, phone, and in person. Those wonderful people have helped me realize I am not a bad mother for my feelings, I am just normal. Thank you to those wonderful people for being my sanity.

I don't have a lot to say today, just wanted to get that off of my chest.

As for Faith, we have had 2 nights of sleeping through the night-cross your fingers this continues. It has not been an easy road, we had two horrible nights of "crying it out." But hey, those were the doctor's orders. Faith went to her 4 month appt. She is about 17 lbs and 25 inches (I think I reported wrong last time that she was 26 inches). So her growth is slowing down down since she grew so quickly, lol. She is a sweetie pie. I love that baby. She can be so frustrating sometimes but that smile melts me heart.

Oh yeah, and we are making progress on the solid food front. My mom is a genius when it comes to that kind of thing, I swear. She had me feed Faith her bottle and then she would feed Faith applesauce with rice cereal in between sips. She loved it =). Thanks mom!

Faith's First Taste of Solid Food and Confessions of a Mom

So today Faith got her first taste of oatmeal. As you can tell by the pictures, at first she was just unsure, and then she thought it was just plain nasty, lol. I have to admit, I was really disappointed in her reaction, I thought she would be in love and beg for more. But while I was having my sob fest on the couch (keep in mind, Faith woke up every 2 hours last night, stupid 4 month sleep regression so Jay and I got little sleep last night and it has been a difficult couple of weeks), my wonderful husband reminded me that is new for her and besides, oatmeal isn't all that good anyways, lol.

I love Jay. He has put up with a lot the past four months. Thank God for him. I think the one thing keeping us sane today is the fact that my mom is going to watch Faith tonight so we get to go to offer group and have our first good night of sleep in over two weeks. Thank God for my mom. She has been sick these past couple of weeks so she has not been able to help. We knew my mom helped a lot and we did not take her for granted or anything, but I think I would have fled the country by now if it weren't for her. Thanks to her we also get to go on our first real date since having Faith and we also get to go to a super bowl party on Sunday =).

So I know this post is supposed to be all about Faith, but I think I have turned into a place to vent, I hope that is ok =).

So here comes the confessions of a new mom:
I hate being a full time stay at home mom. I think it has been best for Faith these past few months but she is beginning to get better and I think she could handle daycare (lol, and they can handle her). I love her with all of my heart, but I think I cannot be the best mommy I can be unless I work. I have worked since I was 15, and I love to work. Then again, the thought of not seeing Faith all day makes me sad. So I think what is best is maybe 3 times a week I work. Then I have four full days with her and 3 days of people interaction and working.

This morning during my sobfest I told Jay I feel guilty for wanting to go back to work. The very wise Jay said "Ashley, I think you have unrealistic views of what a good mom is." And he is right, all along I have had an image of the perfect mom (the perfect mom breastfeeds for a year, she loves staying home full time, doesn't ever need any help from anyone or never needs a break from her kids). Wow, even as I type it, I realize how ridiculous that sounds. One, breastfeeding doesn't work for everyone. If you can do it, great. If not, your child is not going to die from it (I was a formula fed baby, and behold, I am not a mutant). Two, not everyone can be a full time stay at home mom. Sometimes because of financial reasons, sometimes for sanity. As my wise sister-in-law (jay's sister) put it "I am NOT a stay at home mom." How awesome to be able to admit that because there is nothing to be ashamed of. And 3, how ridiculous to think you would never need a break or help. My dear mother told me how the first time she left me to go on vacation, she cried for a while and then had the best stinking time of her life. Sometimes you just need a break.

Wow, what a long vent. So sorry. Hope you guys aren't bored with this. I promise on Friday I will have more news as Faith has a doctor's appointment so we will know things like her height, weight, etc.

Thanks for listening, er reading. Whew, I needed that.